unwilling to listen

I don't need to listen to myself. I know how I sound.

Anyway, I only have my phone/old tape recorder/shitty video camera/reel to reel recorder. I don't have a good microphone. The recording quality is so terrible I can't bear it. I will do it when I have the right equipment.

I'll do it when I have practiced it more. It is too depressing to hear myself when I haven't spent enough time practicing.  

I don't think it would help me play any better anyway. I know all the things I am doing wrong.

Besides, I am too busy practicing.

And it would ruin my confidence if I had to listen back to a recording and my confidence is shaky enough already. It might show me that what my teachers were saying has a grain of truth to it. Maybe I need to work on this or that and I don't want to. I want to feel good enough just the way I am.

It is hard enough just to do the audition and if I had to listen to myself playing I think I might have to stop pretending. The pretence that I am enough. 

I think I would be shocked. I would not be able to lie to myself any more.

I would have to actually listen to myself.